


It'd Be Nice To Be A Caribou

by TheseusInTheMaze



Series: This Fuckin' Guy [2]
Category: Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Blow Job, Conflict, Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Pining, safe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 06:16:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15358071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Alex and Leon have a date.





	It'd Be Nice To Be A Caribou

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fallenandscatteredpetals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallenandscatteredpetals/gifts).



Alex woke up to Ryland opening the door.

Ryland was at least trying to be quiet, which was a bit of a rarity - the guy wasn't the best at the whole "empathy" thing, although he'd been getting better. 

... maybe Alex was being unfair.

Ryland was pretty depressed, which didn't usually help people care about other people.

It was hard to be nice to people when your own mind was trying to eat itself alive.

But Ryland was getting better, and that was the important thing, right? 

It was.

Alex had to remember it that way.

And Ryland had slipped his shoes off, and was tiptoeing back to his bedroom.

Alex rolled over onto his side, his eyes still shut, and he listened to the sound of Ryland closing his door, then sighed, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

On a lark, he reached over, grabbing his phone. 

_Hey Leon,_ he typed, _you doing anything tomorrow night?_

There was silence, and then Alex's phone buzzed. 

_Sounds like a plan,_ Alex read. 

_What are you doing up this late?_

_It's practically early at this point._

_Well then, what are you doing up this early?_

_I could ask you the same question._

Alex snorted, rolling back onto his stomach. 

_Ry came in, woke me up._

_Right. That would make sense._

There was the text message equivalent of an awkward silence, and Alex was tempted to get up, to check if there was any beer in the fridge.

He wouldn't, like, get drunk.

Just have enough to get sleepy. 

Then his phone buzzed again. 

_What do you wanna do?_

_We could go to the bar?_

_How about dinner first?_

There was a little bit of panic, spiking up in the back of Alex's mind.

Was there a polite way to tell Leon that he was... kinda-sorta too broke, currently, to really be able to afford booze _and_ food?

Then his phone buzzed again.

_You could come here, I'll make dinner, then we could go out?_

Alex sighed, relief flowing over him like a river.

_Want me to bring anything?_

_Only if you want to. Seven?_

_Sounds like a good plan!_

And then Leon sent a little emoticon smiley - an emoticon, even, not an emoji, and that was impressive, in its own way.

Maybe he was overthinking this.

Still... it was a nice little reminder that there were other old fogies like Alex. 

Was he an old fogy?

Maybe he was overthinking this a bit.

He fell asleep, still pondering.

* * *

"You seem to be in a good mood today," Ryland said the next morning, when Alex came out of the shower, drying his hair with a towel. 

Well, it wasn't _technically_ morning - it was after Alex had woken up, so he counted it as morning, but it was nearly one in the afternoon. 

"Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm getting together with someone tonight," said Alex.

Ryland look surprised.

"You've got other friends?"

... ouch. 

Alex put on a smile.

"Yeah," he told Ryland. "We're, uh, we're gonna get some food, then go drinking."

"Oh," said Ryland. "One of your barfly friends?"

Alex opened his mouth up to defend Leon... and then closed it.

Fuck it.

Did it really... matter, what Ryland thought of Leon?

Alex wasn't entirely sure what _he_ thought of Leon, only that he liked the dude. 

Even if their resemblance could be borderline uncanny sometimes. 

And anyway, what was he going to tell Ryland?

_"By the way, I'm going to a guy's house for dinner, after I blew him and fucked him."_

Yeah.

Fucking right. 

He smiled at Ryland, and Ryland smiled back. 

"I'm glad you're making more friends," said Ryland, and he patted Alex on the shoulder.

Alex blushed, just a bit.

"I'm great at making friends," said Alex.

"Yeah," said Ryland. "When you're drunk. I think this is the first time I've heard of you hanging out with anyone when you're sober."

"I mean," said Alex, and he cleared his throat, "I've got the rest of the team."

"Yeah, you've got the team, but that's different," said Ryland. 

"I guess," said Alex.

Trust Ryland to suck the joy out of anything.

... that wasn't very nice.

So Alex smiled at Ryland, and he rubbed his hands together. 

"You wanna get breakfast?"

"You mean lunch," said Ryland. 

"Oh. Right." 

Ryland snorted, and he looked amused. 

"Did you, uh... did you have a good evening?"

Alex kept his tone mellow - or at least, he tried to. 

There was a little ball of jealousy at the base of his stomach, like super heated aluminium. 

But that wasn't fair, was it?

Ryland was allowed to be happy.

Ryland was allowed to do what he needed to do in order to be happy, regardless of what that meant. 

Alex still felt a bang.

He was... he was really in love with Ryland, wasn't he?

Really and truly in love with him, and he didn't want to... he didn't want to deal with that.

He didn't want to be a guy who was in love with his best friend. 

Let alone his straight best friend.

God, they made movies about that kind of shit, didn't they?

He didn't want to be like some character out of a movie. 

But fuck it. 

He was going to get a home cooked meal tonight, and then he was gonna get to have sex, so really, all things considered, life was pretty good, wasn't it?

So he smiled at Ryland, and made interested noises, as Ryland began to regale him about what Ash had done the night before.

"I think she really likes me," Ryland finished, after who knew how long.

Alex had eaten a bowl of cereal and washed out the bowl, as he listened.

"Well," said Alex, "that's good!"

"You know," Ryland said, and he sounded almost... overly casual, "she, uh, she mentioned something to me. Last night, I mean."

"Did she?"

"Yeah. Although it was fuckin' crazy."

"Was it?"

"Ash said that she thinks that _you're_ in love with me," said Ryland, in his patented "isn't it crazy?" tone of voice. 

"Oh," said Alex, as his insides froze solid. 

Fuck.

Was he... was he that obvious?

Fuck. 

"I know, right?" 

Ryland was watching Alex with an expression that was so neutral it wasn't. 

"Ash knows I'm straight, doesn't she?"

_Mostly_ , he amended in his mind. _Mostly straight._

"Yeah. She probably, like, read too much yaoi manga at a formative age or something," said Ryland. 

"Isn't she bi?"

Ryland shrugged. 

"No idea," he said, and he looked sheepish.

"Right," said Alex, and he shoved his hands in his pockets, leaning against the cabinets. 

"So... you wanna do something?"

"What kinda something?"

"I was gonna play some Kingdom Hearts," said Arin. "I was thinking maybe we could pass it back and forth, when we're getting too frustrated?"

Alex's whole face lit up in a grin.

"That sounds like a good plan," he told Ryland. "I am _totally_ down for that."

"Let me just, like, shower," said Ryland, and he was just... walking towards his bedroom, pulling his shirt up and off of himself.

Alex watched Ryland's back, and he licked his lips, his cock twitching in his pants.

God, he wanted... he wanted to kiss Ryland's back, wanted to taste the soft spot where Ryland's back met his neck, wanted to bite Ryland's shoulder.

Ryland paused, and took stock.

He was hard, hard enough that his cock was starting to throb in time with his heart, and his mouth was dry.

And he was having... legitimate fantasies about Ryland.

Like, while Ryland was nearby.

Oh god.

Maybe he'd be able to fuck Leon tonight.

Hopefully, right?

* * * 

They lasted forty five minutes playing Kingdom Hearts before Ryland's phone buzzed, and then he was paying more attention to his phone than to the game.

Alex tried not to take it too personally - if he had a hot girl like Ash texting him, he would have paid her more attention to her than to his buddy.

Although... well, they were buddies.

Whatever happened to bros before hos?

... he'd always hated that term, at least on principle.

He didn't like the term "ho," but the idea was the same. 

Maybe he needed to start doing... something. 

Get a girlfriend?

How would a girlfriend feel about Leon?

Was Leon even someone that he was going to consider for this sort of thing?

How would he consider Leon for this sort of thing?

Alex had been wandering around for almost twenty minutes when Ryland looked up from his phone, his expression stuck somewhere between guilty and hopeful.

"Would you mind if I headed over to Ash's?"

"Go for it," Alex said, although he was clenching his teeth, just a bit.

"Thanks, man," said Ryland, and he patted Alex on the shoulder.

Alex was blushing at the touch, and he looked over into Ryland's face.

To find Ryland... smiling.

A genuine smile, and who knew that Ryland had that in him?

He was smiling at Alex, and then he was smiling at his phone, as he got up off of the couch. 

"Gonna shower," called Ryland. "Keep playing, I've beaten this part before."

_So why play it with me in the first place?_

Alex eyed his bong, then made a face.

Leon didn't like to hang out with Alex when he was high, and Alex was, if nothing else, a thoughtful house guest.

... or at least, he tried to be.

So he played the game and ground his teeth, trying not to let his own annoyance boil over.

* * *

Ryland was gone, probably doing who knew what with Ash, when Alex's phone buzzed. 

It was from Leon. 

_What kind of meat do you prefer, lamb or chicken?_

_Mostly chicken, why?_

_I'm going to make a curry,_ Leon texted, _and I just now realized that some people can't or don't eat red meat._

_Does lamb count as red meat?_

_Yep._

_Huh._

And then Alex was struck with an idea.

It was probably a dumb idea, but... fuck it. 

Why not?

_What are you doing right now?_

_Grocery shopping, why?_

_Want some company?_

It was an impulsive thing to do - Alex didn't particularly care about grocery shopping, let alone with a guy who he'd just hooked up with a few times. 

But... it could be fun, right?

It'd be better than playing a game that he wasn't really enjoying.

_Sure,_ texted Leon, and then he sent the address to the grocery store.

... which was in walking distance of Alex's house.

Huh.

_Give me, like, ten minutes, so I can brush my hair,_ texted Alex, _and then I'll come over._

_Sounds good!_

* * *

And then Alex was just... standing in front of a grocery store, his hands in his pockets, shifting from foot to foot. 

And there was Leon, walking towards him with a cheerful expression.

Alex was, once again, taken aback, at least a little bit. 

Something about their appearance was... uncannily similar. 

Then again, there are only so many faces in the world, and we've all got a doppelganger wandering around out there, right?

It's just usually considered weird to sleep with them. 

Or him.

"Hi," said Alex.

"Hi," said Leon.

They stood across from each other for a moment, awkward.

Were they supposed to kiss?

Hug?

Shake hands?

This shit was simpler with girls. 

... no it wasn't, Alex was always a mess around with girls too.

"So," said Leon, breaking Alex's line of thought, "you wanna go in?"

"Oh! Yes, right," said Alex. "Sorry. I kind of, uh, spaced out."

"It's all good," said Leon, and he smiled at Alex. "Thanks for joining me. It's nice to have some company while grocery shopping."

... wait a minute.

Had Alex just written a check that his wallet couldn't pay?

_Shit_.

"I, uh... I can't really pay for anything," Alex said, aware of how awkward he sounded, but how was he supposed to say anything else?

Oh god.

His heart was beating very fast in his ears. 

"I know," said Leon, and he gave Alex a look. "You did tell me that."

"Yeah, I just wanted to... you know, check."

"I remember. I'm not expecting you to pay for anything," said Leon. 

"Thanks," said Alex, then, "sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I dunno," Alex said, walking beside Leon, his hands still shoved in his pockets as they began to walk into the grocery store. "I guess... you know, I don't know... I don't know all the rules for doing stuff with dudes."

Leon gave him a look out of the corner of his eye.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Like... okay," said Alex, as they wandered through the vegetable aisle, "in my life, usually there's this divide between people who are my bros that I hang out with, and people that I've fucked, or wanna fuck, or... whatever."

"Right," said Leon. "Haven't you had friends who were female?"

He had stopped in front of an onion display, and was picking them up, examining them one by one. 

Alex couldn't tell the difference, but what the fuck did he know?

"Well, yeah, but it's... it's still different," said Alex. 

Leon raised an eyebrow, bagging an onion, then turning around, going for a little collection of garlic. 

"Is it?"

"I dunno," said Alex. "I'm new at this shit."

Leon gave Alex a bit of a smile.

"I guess I had it a little easier, huh?"

"Did you?"

"I kinda realized I was queer pretty early in life," said Leon. "I mean... I had some agonizing over what _kind_ of queer I was, but... well, I think most folks have that experience."

"Right," said Alex.

He hadn't even thought of it that deeply, come to think of it.

Shit. 

"Anything you'd like to add?"

Leon was rubbing his hands together, a basket over his arm, and he was looking around the vegetable section.

"What do you mean?"

"Anything special you'd like to add?"

"Like what?"

"Well," said Leon, "it's a curry, so I'm gonna be adding spinach, although I usually go for the frozen stuff, since it's the same quality and cheaper. But if you want mushrooms, or fresh spinach...."

"Oh. Right." 

Alex rubbed his hands together, and he shot Leon an apologetic look.

"This is embarrassing as hell, but I've never actually, like... had curry."

Leon looked surprised.

"What, really?"

"Yeah," said Alex. "I grew up in a very... Jewish home, and my parents were Chinese food Jewish, not Indian food Jewish."

"... there's a difference?"

Leon looked confused.

"I mean, you've heard the old joke about Jews and Chinese food, right?"

"Not really, no," said Leon.

"... oh," said Alex, and he followed after Leon, as Leon picked up more vegetables, putting them in his basket. 

"Are there any in particular?"

"Oh. Yeah. There's, uh, there's a lot of jokes about Jewish people like Chinese food, because... y'know, Chinese food places are the only places that are open during Christian holidays." 

"Oh," said Leon. "I'd never really thought about that."

"Yeah," said Alex. "So, like, all the Jews go to eat Chinese food on Christmas, since nothing is open. You go to eat Chinese food and you go to the movies. At least, that's what they used to do in my family."

"Oh," said Leon. 

"... sorry," said Alex. "I feel like I'm being weird."

Leon shrugged.

"This whole situation is weird," he told Alex, his tone cheerful. 

"You think?"

"I'm grocery shopping with the ostensibly straight guy who sucked me off at a bar," Leon said, his voice as dry as old bones. "Not exactly something you see written about in the advice columns that often, is it?"

"Do you read a lot of advice columns?"

Were advice columns even a _thing_ anymore?

Alex hadn't even thought of that. 

"I do, yeah," said Leon, and he looked a little embarrassed, as they made their way down the aisles. "I dunno. I find it helpful. Helps for possible future problems."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," said Leon. "Admittedly, some of it is just... y'know, me being a bit desperate, when I'm feeling especially self conscious, I can look at some of the stories of the shit that people are talking about and be grateful that it's not me."

"Oh," said Alex. "Yeah, that'd make sense. I guess that's a bit like why some people use Facebook."

"I thought the whole purpose of Facebook was to show everyone else how much better you are than everyone else," said Leon. 

They were walking through the meat department now, and Leon was frowning at a pair of chicken breasts, which were on a Styrofoam platter, covered in plastic. "Do these look like enough for two people?"

"I don't fuckin' know," said Alex, and he laughed, self conscious. "I know absolutely nothing about cooking."

 

"Well," Leon said, his tone cheerful as he put the chicken breasts into the basket, "worst case scenario, I can make more rice."

"Right," said Alex. 

"But yeah," said Leon. "I kinda got rid of my Facebook a while ago. I realized that it just made me feel like crap, and I didn't need that in my life."

"Fair enough," said Alex. "I need it to keep track of some stuff."

"Yeah?"

"Well," said Alex, "I'm an esports coach."

He tried not to preen.

"Yeah," said Leon. "You've mentioned."

Crap.

Was he talking about it too much?

Shit.

"Well," said Alex, "a lot of the esports events end up being listed on Facebook, so I need to have an account, or else... well, we can't exactly do the whole esports thing if we don't have matches, can we?"

"No, not really," Leon agreed. 

"So we're just kinda... doing our own thing now," Alex said, letting the sentence trail off.

Leon was buying a carton of eggs - he opened it up, and was lifting up each egg, as if he was inspecting it. 

"Are you worried that one of them is an impostor?"

Alex tried to sound like he was joking, although he was... kind of worried he sounded accusatory. 

Crap. 

"I'm checking if they're broken," said Leon. "Some of the guys at this place handle stuff a bit too roughly, so then we end up with a bunch of broken eggs, and if I'm gonna buy eggs... well, I wanna be able to use 'em all."

"Right," said Alex, and he felt stupid. 

"I learned that trick from my last boyfriend," said Leon. "He was super into cooking."

"Oh?"

It was weird, to hear a dude say "my last boyfriend" with that degree of ease.

Not that Alex was uncomfortable with gay people or anything like that!

Oh no, far from it! 

It was just… well, he didn’t know a lot.

Did he?

He glanced sidelong at Leon - would he have been able to tell that Leon was gay, if Leon hadn’t said anything?

Was this one of those things that you could, like… tell?

"What are you thinking about?"

Leon's voice sounded slightly awkward, and it took Alex a second to realize that he'd descended into his own thoughts.

"Oh," said Alex. "Um. Nothing, uh, nothing in particular. Just... wondering stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

They were in the frozen food section now, walking down the aisle.

It was chilly, and Alex was breaking into goosebumps.

The freezers were fogged over, like a steamy car window, and Alex watched them go by with a vague expression - pie crust, toaster pastries, frozen fruit.....

And then Leon was opening up a freezer, taking out a packet of frozen spinach. 

"What's... what's it like to realize you're, like, not straight, when you're younger?"

Leon shot Alex a confused look.

"Younger?"

"Well," said Alex, "you're obviously younger than I am, and you know you're gay. So, y'know, younger."

"Fair enough," said Leon, putting the spinach in the basket. "And... I don't know. I've just had my lived experience, so I can't really compare it to anyone else's experience. I haven't lived their lives."

That was a pretty wishy washy comment, but Alex wasn't going to argue with it. 

"Do you think that you're gay?"

Leon's tone was mild.

"What? No!" 

"Well, as long as you're clear about how you're not one of us," said Leon, and he sounded... bitter.

... shit.

Alex could have been more diplomatic about that, couldn't he?

Shit. 

"No, there's... I'm not gay," Alex said, and he trailed off, and he cleared his throat. "Sorry. Can I try that again? I feel like I fucked it up."

"Well," said Leon, "you certainly couldn't do worse than that."

His voice was very dry. 

Alex snorted. 

"I'm sure I could, if I tried," he told Leon. 

"You think?"

"I am, if nothing else, talented like that," said Alex. 

"Talented like what?"

"If there's a way to make a situation worse, I will probably manage it," said Alex. 

"Oh," said Leon. "I don't think you're that bad."

"You haven't seen me at my worst," said Alex, in a deadly serious tone.

"That makes me worry," said Leon. "You've fucked up pretty spectacularly already."

... _ow_.

"Okay," said Alex, and he took a deep breath. "I... I like girls. A lot. I jerk off to girls. I've... y'know, I've been in love with girls, I've had sex with girls. You're the first dude I've ever really been with, and -"

"And you're only really into me because I kinda look like a girl," Leon said. 

He sounded resigned.

"No," said Alex. "I wasn't gonna say that."

"So what were you gonna say?"

"I was _gonna_ say that, like... there's all of these different labels, and I don't really... understand all of them, and I don't wanna end up calling myself something that isn't who I am, because I don't wanna, like... misrepresent myself or something."

Leon nodded.

"... I thought that "masturbation" meant chewing your food for a while," Alex confessed, and okay, he'd never told anyone that, but still. 

"Ouch," said Leon, and he looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh. 

"So it's not, like, I think there's something wrong with being gay. But I'm not. And I wanna know the right thing to call myself, so I don't look dumb."

"Right," said Leon. 

"Although," Alex said, in a rare moment of brutal honesty, "I know most people think I'm stupid."

"I don't think you're stupid," Leon said, and he reached a hand out, resting it on Alex's arm.

Alex blushed, more touched than he wanted to admit. 

"Thanks," he said, and he cleared his throat.

"So we need coconut milk," said Leon. 

"Coconut milk?"

"Yeah," said Leon. "Coconut chicken curry."

"Huh," said Alex. "That's a new one to me."

"I can make it without the coconut," said Leon, as he grabbed a can of tomatoes, putting it in the basket.

"No, no," Alex said quickly, because he'd already stuck his foot in his mouth today, and he didn't need to do it again. "No, just, uh... I'm a wuss."

"I'm gonna make some kind of dessert as well," said Leon. "Anything in particular you'd like?"

"I'm good for just about anything chocolate," said Alex. "Although, uh, don't put yourself out."

"Like I said," Leon said, "I like to cook. It'll be a pleasure."

"Even in the dog days of summer like this?"

"I've got air conditioning," Leon said.

"Oh," said Alex. "Yeah, that'd do it."

God, he sounded so dumb. 

"Is there anything else you'd like?"

"Well, uh, if we're going back to your place," Alex said, and he was blushing, "how about we stop by a liquor store, so I can buy some booze for our little date?"

"I thought you said you didn't have enough money for this kinda meal," said Leon. 

He was frowning.

"Oh, I can't," said Alex. "But I can afford to get some booze for us to share."

Leon's frown softened, just a bit.

"We could just get booze here," he pointed out. 

“Well, yeah,” said Alex. “Sorry. I’m not originally from California. I’m not used to the whole “buying alcohol at the grocery store” thing.” 

“Oh,” said Leon, and then he laughed, self conscious. “Sorry. I forget that it’s not normal, sometimes.”

“It’s normal here,” said Alex. “So I guess maybe I’m the weird one for thinking of it as weird, huh?”

Then he burst out laughing, and Leon gave him a bit of a sidelong look, clearly confused. 

“Most people think I’m weird,” said Alex.

“I don’t think you’re that weird,” said Leon. 

“I’ll just go get some alcohol,” said Alex. “What do you like?”

“I go for cider, usually,” said Leon. “I’m willing to take a sip of whatever you get, though.”

“Good to know,” Alex said, his tone cheerful, and then he went to make his selection.

* * *

They paid for their purchases, and they made their way towards Leon’s small car. 

“So what do you like about cooking, anyway?”

"When I was a kid, I had to do a lot of the cooking," said Leon. "What with one thing and another."

He didn't elaborate, and Alex didn't push - there seemed to be some history behind that.

"And then my mom got sick, so I had to cook for her too, and it made her happy, and I like to make other people happy, so I started to cook more often, to make 'em happy. It's a pretty sure fire way to make people happy, y'know?"

Leon loaded up the trunk - Alex helped. 

Alex made a vaguely sympathetic noise - he could understand those feelings.

Fuck knew he'd felt them often enough. 

"And then I moved out on my own, and I realized I didn't really know what _I_ liked to do, like, for myself, so I started to try a bunch of different stuff. Different hobbies, y'know? Painting, stuff like that."

"Right."

Alex got into the front seat, buckled himself in.

"And I kinda settled on cooking, because even if I didn't feel like I should have been wasting time or money or whatever on myself... it's food. Food is gonna get eaten. I always eat what I cook, even if it's not that good, because you shouldn't waste food." 

"Right,' said Alex. 

There was something deep and complicated behind all of that, but Alex wasn't up for that kind of deep diving. 

He was way too sober.

"What kind of mixers do you have?"

"Mixers?"

"You know. to make mixed drinks."

"Oh," said Leon. "Um, I've got some lemonade."

"Right," said Alex. "I can work with that."

He was planning stuff.

It was going to be excellent. 

He was going to have more fun with Leon than he'd ever had Ryland. 

If nothing else, Leon didn't use him as a sounding board, which was nice. 

"We're gonna have a great time," he told Leon, as Leon started the car.

"I'll certainly do my best to," Leon said, and his tone was so earnest that Alex burst out laughing. 

"What?"

Leon stuck his tongue out at Alex. 

Alex snorted, and he... he wanted to kiss Leon.

He _really_ wanted to kiss Leon, right here and now, but that'd be a bad idea, wouldn't it?

They were in public, and anyone could see them. 

Although was it wrong of him to feel weird about kissing a dude in front of a bunch of people?

Well, he wasn't currently in front of a bunch of people, but the principle was the same, right?

... god, he was overthinking this.

Alex leaned forward, and kissed Leon on the corner of the mouth.

It was barely a peck - nobody would have noticed it, and he'd kissed family members the same way.

But... still.

It was more affection than he'd ever shown a guy in public before.

...he might have been blushing.

A bit.

Leon look surprised, but he smiled at Alex. 

"You're cute," Alex said, as if that was just a thing to say. 

"Thanks," said Leon. 

Alex smiled at him again, and he leaned back into his seat, as they began to drive. 

"So I figure we can cook dinner, I'll make dessert, then we can just... hang out?"

"Okay," said Alex. "What are we gonna have for dessert?"

"Chocolate mousse," said Leon.

"Isn't that a pain in the ass to make?"

"Nah," said Leon. "It's pretty good."

And then he was grinning, which was eclipsed by a slightly worried expression.

"What's up?"

"... you ever make a weird association in your head, and then you realize it's not the best association?"

"Yeah, that shit happens to me all the time," said Alex. "What's the matter?"

"I, uh... I saw the movie _Rosemary's Baby_ recently, and I remember the whole bit with the chocolate mouse."

Alex nodded, although he'd never seen Rosemary's baby - he was a bit too much of a weenie for horror movies most of the time. 

"So then I was going to make the joke, but I realized that if I did that, it might have implications about me, like, planning on drugging you or something."

"I can honestly say that I wasn't thinking of that," said Alex. "If you were worried about that."

"I wasn't worried about that," said Leon, although he looked relieved. "But, uh, thanks for that."

"Of course," said Alex, and he patted Leon on the leg. "I haven't actually, like, seen the movie."

"What, _Rosemary's Baby_?"

They were at a stop light, and Leon looked over at Alex, his expression surprised. "It's a classic."

"Yeah. I'm just... kind of a wuss, when it comes to horror movies," said Alex, and he gave Leon a slightly sheepish expression. "Is it really scary?"

"It's not, like... jump out and yell "boo" type of scary," said Leon. "But it's got this really... foreboding sort of dread building up through the whole thing."

"Dread?"

"Yeah."

"What kinda dread?"

"Hm?"

"Like, existential dread? Because I can't do existential dread - existential dread always ends up with me feeling like shit and needing to smoke more weed."

"I didn't know you needed encouragement to smoke more weed," Leon said, his tone dry.

Alex shot him a look, and there might have been some anger in the look, but Leon was either ignoring it, or didn't notice.

"Existential dread just... makes me uncomfortable. Especially with shit like _Eraserhead_."

"I thought you were too much of a wuss to watch horror movies," said Leon. "How did you watch _Eraserhead_?"

"I wasn't really told what it was about," said Alex. "I had a girlfriend who was really into the weird experimental film, and she used to like to get high when we watched them, so I started to just agree with whatever weird movie she wanted to watch, because it meant a fun time, and I could just zone out if the movie was too weird."

"You watched _Eraserhead_ while high?!"

Leon looked faintly scandalized. 

Or maybe unnerved - Alex couldn't tell in profile, and Leon was driving. 

"I only took, like, one hit off of that blunt," said Alex. "The movie started and I just... watched it." 

“That must have been… unpleasant,” said Leon, pulling a face.

“It wasn’t too bad,” said Alex.

He was lying. 

“What did you think of the symbolism?”

 

“Symbolism?”

They were going places.

“You know, the lady in the radiator, all of that.”

“Oh. Um.”

Alex tried to gather his thoughts, as they drove through the city. 

“Well,” he began, “I was thinking….” 

* * *

To Leon’s credit, he listened to what Alex said. 

He did correct Alex’s memory on a few aspects - the movie with the giant blue naked people had been a different movie, it turned out, although somehow he’d heard of it too.

Of course he had.

“I’m just saying,” said Alex, and somehow, he was chopping up garlic, when had that happened? “I think that Lynch went a bit over the top with the symbolism.”

“There’s nothing wrong with going over the top with symbolism,” said Leon. “Especially when you’re David Lynch.”

“But what did they make the baby out of,” Alex said. 

“I heard it was a cow fetus and a puppet.”

“... huh,” said Alex. 

“Taste this,” Leon said, and he was pressing something into Alex’s mouth. 

Alex opened his mouth, and he sucked the sauce off of Leon’s fingers.

It was… melted chocolate?

When had Leon melted chocolate?

It was sweet, though, and Alex slid his tongue between Leon’s fingers, just to watch Leon turn pink.

Then Leon cleared his throat.

“How is it?”

“I don’t think it’ll go well with the curry,” Alex said, and he licked his own lips.

Leon rolled his eyes, his expression affectionate, and he stuck his tongue out at Alex. 

Alex stuck his tongue back at him.

“It’s for the chocolate mousse,” said Leon. 

“Oh,” said Alex. “Do you have to temper the chocolate?”

… okay, so he was known to watch cooking shows when he was stoned, and not much of it stuck, but there were a few words just… floating around.

“No,” said Leon, giving him an odd look. “Why would I?”

“Isn’t that what you do with chocolate?”

“You do that if you’re making chocolate solid, or a glaze,” said Leon. 

Alex watched, as Leon just… went back to the metal bowl that he’d placed over a pot of water, and went back to stirring whatever it was with a blue silicone spatula. 

“Oh,” said Alex. 

“Tempering makes chocolate… snap,” said Leon.

“Snap?” 

“Yeah. you know, when you’ve got, like, a nice piece of chocolate, and you break it, it has that feeling of being really brittle and just snapping?”

“Well, yeah, but isn’t that what chocolate generally does?”

“Nope,” said Leon, and now he looked… genuinely excited.

Huh.

He must have really liked cooking. 

“So what does it normally do?”

“Well….”

* * * 

Alex let Leon’s talk wash over him, making vague “I’m listening” noises.

It was… it was nice, not having to play therapist to someone.

To be able to tune in, and know that whatever was being discussed wasn’t of Utmost Importance, and also wouldn’t leave Alex wrung out. 

“Sorry,” Leon said, after about ten minutes. “I’m rambling.”

“No, no,” Alex said, and he looked down at the board, which was covered in what could most accurately called garlic _paste_ at this point. “Sorry. Did I overdo it?”

Leon glanced over, and he had a towel over his shoulder. 

“Nope,” Leon said cheerfully. “Just drop it into the pan over there.”

“Should I add anything else?”

The pan was full of onions, chicken, and bell peppers. 

“Nope,” said Leon, and then he made a face. “Sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I feel like I’m being a bad host,” Leon said, and then he was… going to the fridge, to take out a bowl of cream that he’d whipped himself. “Since I don’t have the food ready, and I’m putting you to work.”

“I did offer,” Alex pointed out, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

His hands smelled strongly of garlic, but there was something kind of… nice about that. 

It was different from the usual pungence of the weed, or the faintly greasy fast food that he and Ryland usually subsisted on. 

… huh.

Alex hadn’t thought about Ryland in a while.

That was unusual. 

“Well, that’s true,” said Leon, and he shot Alex a grateful look. “Thanks for… y’know.”

“I don’t know,” Alex said, and he pressed closer to Leon, chin on Leon’s shoulder, his hands on Leon’s belly. 

Leon’s hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, and Leon had made him tie his hair back into a bandanna before they started cooking. 

“I know I’m… weird,” said Leon. “And I’m probably not exactly what you’re used to.”

Alex shrugged.

“You’re talking to me more than what I’m used to,” was what he said, and then he felt like a jerk for saying it. 

But fuck it. 

“Really?”

“Yeah,” said Alex. “And I honestly don’t think you’re that weird.”

“Huh,” said Leon, and he leaned back against Alex, his cheek pressed against Alex’s. 

Leon’s face was smooth, despite how late it was - he didn’t seem to possess Alex’s werewolf genes, as Alex’s five o’clock shadow rubbed against Leon’s cheek.

“You’re gonna be all red,” Alex said, his voice quiet.

“Mm?”

“From… y’know. Stubble burn.”

“Oh,” said Leon, and he was blushing still, staying very still.

“Sorry,” said Alex. 

“It’s fine,” said Leon. “I like it for the memory.”

There was a very awkward pause - why was it awkward?

Alex wasn’t entirely sure. 

He pulled back, and he rubbed his hands together. 

“You said you had mixers?”

“Yeah,” said Leon. “Although I usually wait until after we’ve started eating to start drinking alcohol.”

“Well,” said Alex, and he laughed, “house rules and whatnot.”

He was blushing.

He wasn’t sure why.

What was he so embarrassed by?

Some kind of… something was going on, and he didn’t know what.

The air was thick with it, and was practically beating in time with his own heart.

Which was beating in his ears.

Oh fuck. 

“I’m going to, uh, go wash my hands in the bathroom,” said Alex, and he cleared his throat.

“Right,” said Leon. “Second door on your left.”

“Right,” said Alex, and then he laughed. “I mean, uh, gotcha.”

Leon snorted, and then went back to doing… whatever it was that he had been doing. 

* * *

Alex washed his hands - Leon’s soap smelled very strongly of some kind of orange - satsuma, or clementine, something like that.

Alex looked at himself in the mirror, and saw… well.

His eyes were sunken, and he had dark circles under them.

His scruff was on its way to overtaking his face at this point. 

It wasn’t exactly a pleasant look. 

He sighed, and he splashed some water on his face.

Okay. 

He could do this.

Whatever “this” happened to be. 

He glanced at his phone, and then he raised an eyebrow. 

Huh. 

He’d gotten a text from Ryland. 

What were the chances of that?

To his own surprise, he got a shock of… annoyance. 

What was Ryland’s problem?

Alex didn’t bother _him_ when he was off with Ash, so why was he bothering Alex now?

Alex unlocked his phone anyway, checked his messages.

_Me and Ash had another fight_ , read the text. _You want me to pick up some pizza on the way home?_

Alex’s stomach did a funny little jolt.

Um.

_Yeah,_ he typed, and then he paused, and deleted it. 

Okay. 

Let’s try again. 

_Actually, I’m not at home tonight. Dinner out._

He debated on saying he was on a date, then frowned, and... no. 

Friend?

It wasn’t exactly that either, was it?

So “dinner out” worked. 

_Oh,_ read Ryland’s text. _You know when you’ll be home?_

_Nope,_ typed Alex. _Don’t wait up for me._

As if Ryland ever waited up for Alex.

… no, he was being cruel. 

Alex sighed, and he pressed his face into his hands.

He was overthinking this.

“Alex,” called Leon, “you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Alex called back. “Hold on.”

* * *

“Sorry,” Leon said, “I don’t usually, uh, inquire after other people’s bathroom habits, but it got really quiet, so I thought I’d just, uh, check, to make sure -”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex said, and then he leaned in, and he kissed Leon, right there in the kitchen, smack on the mouth. 

Leon made a surprised noise, but he kissed Alex back, then pulled back, looking at Alex with wide eyes.

“What was that for?”

“I can’t just kiss you?”

“I mean,” Leon said, and he looked self conscious, “no offense, Alex, but as neurotic as you are, you don’t usually… initiate affection.”

… ouch.

That stung.

Alex wasn’t entirely sure why it stung, but he wanted to… he wanted to prove Leon wrong.

He could totally initiate affection!

“Well, maybe I’m not sure what kind of affection I should be initiating,” said Alex. 

“It’s not that different than from with girls,” said Leon, and now he was wearing that same slightly irritated look.

He went back to folding chocolate and cream. 

“It’s… it’s changing my way of thinking,” Alex said, trying to sound earnest and not like the total douche he felt like. 

“Hm?”

Leon raised an eyebrow.

“Like… if you were a chick and we were at this point, maybe I’d be okay with, like, grabbing your ass or something like that, because I know how that kinda thing goes. I know the… the rules for that. I don’t know the rules for how it is with dudes.”

_What level am I with Ryland? Can I, theoretically, grab his ass, considering all the time, effort, and money I’ve thrown into him?_

… wow, that was a nasty thought, and Alex shied away from it. 

“It’s not different from girls,” Leon said, and he sounded frustrated. “Why do you think it is?”

“Because it was, for me. For a long time, it was a very different thing.”

“And now it’s not?”

“And now it’s not.”

Leon nodded slowly.

“I’m… I’m okay with being… y’know, touched, manhandled, whatever. If I’m really uncomfortable with something, I’ll say as much. But I don’t want you to be grabbing me or whatever when I’m cooking - I wanna be able to concentrate on what I’m doing.”

“Gotcha,” said Alex. 

“Is that better?”

“Yeah,” said Alex. “I like when I... y’know, know the rules.”

“Right,” said Leon. 

He looked less annoyed.

“Am I cocking this all up?”

Alex tried not to sound too anxious.

“Not really, no,” said Leon. “I mean… you’re awkward as hell, but you’re not the worst.”

“That’s a new one.”

“Hm?”

“Usually, I’m the worst.” 

"The worst at what?"

"Just in general," said Alex. 

Leon shot him a look that could best be described as "pitying," and he gave Alex a pat on the shoulder, pausing in his folding. 

"Why do you think you're so bad?"

Leon sounded genuinely interested. 

"Well, I mean," said Alex, "everything I do, I fuck up."

"You seem to be doing pretty good with your whole esports thing," said Leon.

Alex shrugged.

"That's not me doing the hard parts," he said. "It's everyone else."

"Still. You seem pretty happy with the whole managerial role."

Alex shrugged again. 

"I don't know," he said, his tone flat. "It's complicated."

This was probing something in his head that he didn't want probed.

He hadn't even realized he didn't want it probed, until it had been poked.

Go figure.

"Right," said Leon, and there was another silence.

Alex leaned against a counter, his hands in his pockets, and he just inhabited the awkward silence. 

"Can you set the table?"

"Right," said Alex. "Where are the plates?"

Leon instructed Alex, and Alex set the table.

It brought back memories of being young again, and he smiled a bit in spite of himself, because it's always nice to be brought back to certain things.

"We've got some free time, before the curry is ready," said Leon. "Although I also need to turn on the rice cooker."

"You wanna watch a movie or something?"

"That could be nice," said Leon, "although we'd have to turn it off halfway through, because, y'know, dinner."

"Right," said Alex. "Maybe some YouTube videos?"

"I'd be down for YouTube videos," said Leon.

"... you wanna watch some of my esports competitions?"

Alex was brightening up.

"Sure," said Leon, and he flashed Alex a bright smile. 

"Awesome," said Alex, and he flopped onto the couch, as Leon began to fiddle with the television. 

"We can watch YouTube on the television," Leon said, and he was sitting close enough to Alex that they were almost touching.

"That's pretty awesome," said Alex. 

There was more awkward silence, as Leon fiddled with the television, then turned it on.

"So what should I be looking for?"

Alex listed the title of the video, his heart beating very loudly in his ears. 

Why was he so nervous?

The video came on, and... there they were. 

"So... how long have you been playing?"

"I don't actually play that much," said Alex. "I'm the coach."

"Right," said Leon. "Do you like doing it?"

"It's nice belonging to a group," said Alex, and he was aware that his face was opening up, that he was smiling, and he blushed.

"I mean," said Leon, "you could belong to a group without being an esports coach."

"Oh," said Alex, and he cleared his throat. "I mean, uh, obviously, you're right, but still."

"Hm?"

"You're right," Alex said, "but... I dunno."

He was mulling something over - something complicated - but he wasn't sure how to put it into words.

"Well," said Leon, "I think you're doing a good job, if that helps?"

"Yeah?"

"Well," said Leon, "I don't really know much about, like, this kinda gaming thing, but I can see that you're good at the whole directing thing."

"Right," said Alex. 

Leon leaned into him, almost imperceptibly, and then Alex was wrapping an arm around Leon, and Leon was sighing, cuddling into it. 

"I like to be useful," said Alex, after a few quiet minutes.

He was acutely aware of his heart beating in his ears, of Leon's curly hair against the inside of his neck.

It was kind of ticklish.

It was... it was nice, but it was very close.

Very warm.

"Yeah?"

Leon's voice was almost sleepy, as he cuddled in closer. 

"Yeah. I always feel like, if I'm just... you know, being there as myself, then they won't like me. So I have to provide something."

"You're a good guy, Alex," said Leon. "You don't need to provide anything. If someone is your friend... they're your friend, regardless of what you can offer them."

"Well, yeah, but... who wants to be friends with someone, if they wouldn't be willing to do things for you?"

"That's... that's now how it works," Leon said. 

He sounded faintly frustrated. 

Alex's phone vibrated, and Alex fumbled it out of his pocket, unlocking it and glancing at it. 

A message from Ryland - _You sure you don't wanna come home? It's kinda lonely._

Alex's stomach lurched. 

Um.

Leon was watching Alex's face. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Ryland is, uh, he's having a night."

"What kind of night?"

"He's lonely."

"Right," said Leon. 

His expression was doing... something. 

Alex's stomach lurched again. 

"He's a good guy, really," Alex said. "He's just... he's just kinda in a depression  
slump."

"Right," said Leon, and he was standing up, going to the kitchen.

Alex bit his lip, looking at his phone, then after Leon. 

_It's a homemade meal, dude. It's not like I can ask for a doggy bag._

Alex shoved his phone into his pocket, and followed Leon into the kitchen.

"Are you going to be heading off?"

Leon's back was to Alex, and he was stirring the pot of curry.

"Nah," said Alex. "That'd be rude."

Leon looked over his shoulder, and he raised an eyebrow. 

"Ruder than saying someone else's name while you're having sex?"

... ouch.

"In fairness," Alex said, "I only did that once."

"We've only really had sex twice," said Leon, "so I don't really have much to judge it by."

"Wait, twice?"

"You blew me in a bathroom," said Leon.

"Well, yeah," said Alex, "but that wasn't sex."

Leon raised an eyebrow.

"How was that not sex?"

"Because, you know, you weren't sticking anything in my butt."

"So it only counts as sex if it's sticking something in someone's butt?"

"Well, okay, no, that's not what I meant," said Alex, and he was rubbing his hands together, trying to get comfortable.

Trying to get his footing again.

"You seem to have an idea of a specific way, in regards to how things are supposed to go. But they don't always go like that."

"I'm not sure I get what you mean," said Alex, frowning.

"It means," said Leon, "that I feel like you expect things - relationships, sex, whatever - are always a certain way. And they're not."

"Oh," said Alex. "I'm still sorry about saying Ryland's name like that."

"It's fine," said Leon. 

It wasn't - Alex could tell, by the look on Leon's face - but it wasn't his job to try to fix that. 

Or maybe he just didn't have it in him to try to manage _two_ people's emotions. 

Three people’s, technically, if he counted his own.

Did he even know what his emotions were anymore?

The rice cooker beeped at them, and they both jumped. 

“I’ll serve stuff up,” said Leon. “Have a seat.”

“Right,” said Alex, and he sat at the table, scooting in. 

God, when was the last time he’d eaten a home cooked meal?

Let alone a home cooked meal at a table, with someone who was...well, kind of a date.

Sort of.

“Is this a date?”

He hadn’t meant to blurt that out, but sometimes his mouth and his impulse control left his brain behind. 

“I don’t know,” sald Leon. “Do you want it to be?”

He had a blue plate for Alex, and a red plate for himself.

It was heaped up high with rice and curry, and it looked… it looked pretty fucking good, all things considered.

“Oh,” said Alex. “Could I get a drink?”

“Yeah, sure,” said Leon. “What do you want?”

“You said you had bourbon and lemonade?”

“Right,” said Leon, putting the plates down. “Sure, hold on a sec.”

* * * 

Leon made each of them drinks, and they were... well, they weren’t as strong as Alex would have made them, but they were pretty good regardless.

He ate his curry - hopefully, his stomach wouldn’t hate him later - and he drank his bourbon, and it was… it was nice.

It was comfortable, and it wasn’t that same breathless hope he had with Ryland, which he missed, but he also wasn’t flinching, waiting for Ryland to stick a foot somewhere.

Leon made interesting conversation - he talked about his job, his hobbies, books he’d been reading. 

He let Alex speak, which was also nice. 

It was so… easy, and that in and of itself was kind of uncomfortable.

Was it proof that Alex was actually gay?

What if all of that shit that people had said to him in high school and whatnot turned out to be true?

He had his bourbon and lemonade refilled twice, and he was a bit wobbly by the time Leon took the plates away.

“Right,” said Leon. “So… is there anything you wanna do?”

“We could go back to watching a movie,” Alex suggested. 

There was some kind of alarm bell going off in the back of his head, and he wasn’t sure what it was. 

Maybe he was just anxious because of… well, everything. 

All of this. 

He was worried about Ryland. 

“Okay,” said Leon.

He seemed to deflate, just a bit, which wasn’t what Alex had expected. 

Huh.

“Are you… are you okay?”

“I’d kind of been hoping that we’d… do something intimate,” Leon said, and he was blushing.

“Oh,” said Alex. “Uh, I mean… I’m not against it.”

“But you’re not for it?”

Leon’s expression was… well, to be blunt, it looked almost sardonic.

Huh.

“I didn’t say that,” Alex said quickly.

“It seems to be what you’re implying,” Leon said. 

“Oh,” said Alex. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” said Leon, and he leaned against the sink and crossing his arms across his chest. “Are you only interested in me when you’re high or drunk?”

“No, no,” said Alex. “It’s just… y’know, getting used to it. To you.”

“Getting used to me,” Leon said. 

“You’re… you’re not a woman,” Alex said, aware of how ridiculous he sounded, not sure how to stop it. 

“Got it in one,” Leon said, his tone flat. 

“And I’m used to… you know, being with women. I know all the steps to that.”

“Right,” said Leon. “And part of being with women, for you, is to not be direct about what you want?”

“I don’t want to come off as… pushy,” Alex said. “And I don’t know… what if I don’t like it?”

“Don’t like what?”

“Don’t like… don’t like doing gay stuff.”

“You seemed to like doing gay stuff the last time you did it,” Leon said. 

“Well, yeah, of course I did, it was great, but what if -”

“You know,” Leon interrupted, “if you’re going to have a crisis of sexuality right now, I’m going to ask you to go home.”

“What?”

That… that hurt.

He hadn’t expected that to hurt. 

“I went through my own a long time ago,” said Leon, and wow, he sounded tired. “You’re… you’re really hot, and I’ve always been a sucker for the kicked puppy look, but there’s only so much bullshit I’m willing to put up with.”

“Bullshit?”

“You’re obviously hung up on your best friend,” said Leon, “and if you’re going to sit here freaking out about how much you want him, and possibly do or don’t want me… I don’t have the time or the emotional energy for that.”

“Oh,” said Alex. 

He wanted… he wanted to prove Leon wrong.

He also wanted to yell at Leon, prove to Leon that it wasn’t true, that he wasn’t having any kind of emotional crisis or whatever, that he was all in control and able to do everything and anything he wanted.

And then he was stepping closer to Leon, and he was putting his hands on Leon’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex said, his voice quiet. “I’m bad at this.”

“Bad at what?”

“People.”

“Oh,” said Leon. 

Alex leaned forward, and he kissed Leon, his tongue sliding into Leon’s mouth, his hands cupping the back of Leon’s head, Leon’s curly hair pressing against his palms.

Leon sighed into the kiss, pressing closer, and they were chest to chest, Leon’s hands on his hips.

“Don’t jerk me around,” Leon said, right up against Alex’s lips. “I’ve dealt with… I’ve had enough bullshit in my life. I don’t need any more.”

“Right,” said Alex. “So… so how about I take you upstairs and rock your world.”

“You think you will?”

Leon looked amused, if still very full of emotions.

“You know I can,” said Alex. “Totally.”

Leon arched an eyebrow. 

“If you say so,” he said, and he patted Alex on the hip, squirming away from him. “C’mon.”

* * *

And then they were in Leon’s bedroom.

It was small, and it had a thick red rug on the floor, thick enough that Alex’s feet sunk down into it.

It was a bit like someone had skinned a muppet.

And Alex was kissing Leon.

They were kissing, right there in the dim light, and Alex was sighing into Leon’s mouth, their tongues sliding back and forth, hands moving up and down backs, grabbing hold of shirts, pants. 

“Fuck,” Alex murmured, “god, fuck….”

“You want me to suck you off?”

Leon asked so casually, but Alex’s cock twitched, almost violently. 

“Yeah,” Alex said, “although… I thought I was gonna be rocking your world.”

“What makes you think I don’t want to?”

Alex was blushing, but he wasn’t blushing too hard when he was being pushed back onto the bed, his legs spread, and there was Leon, crouching between his thighs, unzipping Alex’s pants, kissing along Alex’s shaft through the thin cotton of Alex’s underwear.

Thank fuck that he’d worn some nice underwear for a change, instead of his usual old ones, holier than some churches.

Leon slid his thumbs under Alex’s underwear, and he pushed them down - Alex’s cock practically bounced upward, and he was out in the air, the cool air almost ticklish against the hot flesh.

“Fuck,” Alex said, his voice thick.

Leon made an amused noise, tucking his hair behind his ear, and then he was looking up Alex’s body, meeting Alex’s eyes, and he was… he was sucking Alex’s cock into his mouth, beginning to suck on it.

“Fuck,” Alex said again, and he tangled his hands in his own hair, because what else was he going to hold on to?”

He didn’t want to… do it wrong and end up pulling on Leon’s hair or whatever.

Unless Leon liked that. 

How did you find out about that kind shit?

You couldn’t just ask that, could you?

“Leon?”

“Mm?”

Leon pulled off of Alex’s cock, wrapping a lazy hand around it and squeezing, which made Alex’s hips twitch.

“Do you like to have your hair pulled?”

“Yeah,” said Leon, “but don’t force my head down, please. And if you’re gonna pull my hair, make sure that it’s by the root, or you might end up pulling it out.”

“Right,” said Alex.

Leon reached up, and he grabbed Alex’s hand, placing it on his own head, squeezing it. 

“Right,” Alex repeated, and then Leon was… moaning, so Alex pulled, and Leon shuddered, swallowing around the cock in his mouth, and Alex sobbed, his hips rolling forward.

He needed to not try to fuck Leon’s face.

He needed to be nice about this, because Leon was nice, because… all of this was supposed to be nice, he had to be nice, he….

He was chasing the inside of his head in circles, and he could live with that, as long as Leon kept what he was doing, because this was a lot better than it had any right to be.

Alex had never been one who was especially thought there was much finesse to blowjobs, although maybe he’d just missed the fine details.

Maybe he’d been missing out on… something his whole life, and he needed to just ride it out.

Or maybe he just needed to keep feeling this - keep rolling his hips carefully, keep letting Leon suck him, let himself sob and moan and thrash around. 

This… it wasn’t better than being with a woman, but it was… it was different.

Leon was beginning to get some facial stubble, and it was rough against Alex’s inner thighs, and the pull of that was a bit odd, but the little bites of pain seemed to be adding… something.

He sobbed and moaned, and he was right on the very edge of cumming, when… Leon pulled back.

Alex blinked up at him owlishly, still shaking.

“Why’d you _stop_?”

“Would you want me to ride you?”

“You mean… with your butt?”

“Well, I mean, with all of me, but my butt would be doing most of the work, yeah,” said Leon. 

“Oh,” said Alex. “Um. I’d… I’d be willing.”

“I’m not asking if you’re willing,” said Leon. “I’m asking if you want it.”

“Why do you make such a big deal about that difference?”

Alex was actually groaning, covering his face with both hands. 

Some of the oils from Leon’s hair was on Alex’s hand, and it smelled… it smelled familiar, in a way he couldn’t put his finger on. 

“Because,” Leon said, “I’ve spent a good chunk of my life being tolerated. I don’t want to be tolerated. I want to be wanted.”

“Oh,” said Alex.

… yeah, he could relate to that.

Shit. 

“So yeah,” said Leon. “Do you want it?”

“No, I want it,” said Alex. “I want… I want you to ride my cock.”

“Good,” said Leon, and he grinned at Alex, his expression wolfish. “Let’s fuckin’ do it.”

Alex snorted. 

* * *

There was some wrangling, but… oh fuck, then Leon was rolling a condom onto Alex’s cock, and he was sliding down onto it, lubed up, hot and tight and familiar.

Alex sobbed, and he held on tightly to Alex’s hips, squeezing them.

“You feel so big,” Leon said, his voice thick.

“You know it’s ‘cause it’s so big,” Alex said, and maybe he sounded a bit smug, but fuck it.

He rolled his hips up, and he moaned, throwing his head back, panting at the ceiling. 

Leon’s cock was just… there, and Alex was still a bit too timid to reach around and stroke it, but there was something appealing about seeing it bob with each of Alex’s thrusts. 

Nice to have a visual reminder of how horny he got Leon. 

“Fuck, you feel… you feel so good like this,” said Alex, and then he paused. 

“What’s up?”

Leon was on top of Alex, squeezing Alex with his thighs, his ass holding Alex tightly. 

“I… can I fuck you? Like… traditionally.”

“What do you mean by “traditionally,” exactly? There’s a lot of ways that can be interpreted.”

“Doggy style,” said Alex. “From behind.”

“Oh,” said Leon. “Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, good,” said Alex, and then there was some more shifting around, and he was… he was sliding into Leon, and fuck, that was tight and hot and _good_ , that was a lot better than Alex would have thought, as he pushed his hips forward.

He closed his eyes, holding on to Leon’s hips, and he rolled his own forward, beginning to fuck into Leon, hard enough to shake the bed.

What would it be like, to fuck Ryland like this?

Ryland would be bigger, and there’d be less hip to hold on to, but more belly.

God, that would be… that would be so hot.

Leon was borderline bony in certain spots, and that was a novel feeling.

Alex looked down at his own cock, sliding in and out of Leon’s ass, and his cock twitched.

On impulse, he pressed close to Leon, his chest against Leon’s back, and he was… fuck, he was reaching down, squeezing Leon’s cock in his hand, beginning to stroke it desperately.

Leon gasped, shuddered, and then his hand was on top of Alex’s, to keep Alex from doing it too hard or too fast or whatever - who cared, when Leon was shuddering and twitching around him, when Leon was going completely limp, his ass squeezing Alex as tight as it could be squeezed.

Alex slid out, pushed himself back in, still stroking Leon, and Leon was beginning to whimper, his ass squeezing Alex tight.

He came into Alex’s hand, and it was… it was more than a little gross, but it wasn’t like Alex could say “fuck, that’s gross” when someone had literally just cum in his hand, so he could just… put up with it. 

And then his own orgasm hit him, right then and there, and he was wriggling his hips and humping forward as the sweet pleasure throbbed through him, leaving him completely limp, his toes still curling, his breath still coming in gasps. 

“Fuck,” Leon said, and his voice broke.

“I know, right?”

Alex’s voice cracked, and he pulled out carefully, holding on to the condom, then flopped onto the bed.

“Your cock is still twitching,” Leon said, as he rolled onto his back.

“It does that, sometimes,” said Alex, and then Leon was cuddling up to him.

Alex wrinkled his nose, as the scent that had been on the edge of his mind tickled him again. 

It was very faint.

Hmm.

He would worry about it later.

He shifted, pulling the condom off and tying a knot at the edge of it. 

“I should shower,” Alex said. 

“In a minute,” Leon implored, and he snuggled closer, his head on Alex’s chest. 

And Alex cuddled Leon through the afterglow, his eyes sliding shut, and he was breathing evenly, beginning to fall asleep in spite of himself. 

This was a thing he could get used to.

A thing he could most definitely get used to. 

* * * 

Alex woke up to an empty bed, and the sound of the shower running.

There was a brief moment of shock - what was going on? 

Where was he?

The rest of the evening hit him, and he rubbed his eyes, as his brain sped up.

Okay.

He was in Leon’s house.

He had fucked Leon.

He had eaten curry. 

And now… he glanced at Leon’s bedside clock, saw that it was after midnight.

Huh. 

The shower turned off, and then Leon was coming in, wrapped in a towel, looking sleepy, his hair wrapped up in another one. 

“Hi,” said Leon.

“How long was I out?”

“I think we were both slept for about two hours, but you looked like you needed some extra sleep.”

“Did I?”

“I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you look like death warmed over.”

“Warmed over?”

Alex sat up on his elbows, and he rubbed his eyes, trying to get his brain back to working order.

"Are you gonna take a shower?"

"Yeah," Alex said, and he rubbed his eyes, sitting up and stretching. 

"That was a good fuck," said Leon, and he began to rub his hair dry. 

"You think?"

"Oh yeah," said Leon, and he sat down next to Alex, his hip against Alex's hip.

"I'm glad," said Alex. 

"I'm glad you're glad," said Leon, and then he giggled. "Sorry. I'm just... being silly."

"It's all good," said Alex, and he grinned. "Can I use your shower?"

"I mean," said Leon, and he looked amused, "I literally just let you fuck me. Why would I be bothered by you using my shower?"

"Sometimes people have specific... things," said Alex. "You know. Different sorts of boundaries."

"Yeah, fair enough," said Leon. "I left a towel for you in the bathroom."

"Right," said Alex. "Thank you." 

"You're not allergic to almonds, right?"

"No," said Alex. "Why?"

"I've got almond soap," said Leon.

"Why would me being allergic to almonds have anything to do with almond soap?"

Leon shrugged - he was digging through his drawers, pulling out a pair of pajama pants. 

"Some people are that allergic."

"Huh," said Alex.

 

* * * 

Alex walked down Leon's hallway naked, which was an odd sensation.

He hadn't walked around naked in a long time - since he started to live with Ryland, who always got a little weird about nudity. 

And then Alex was in the bathroom, and there was all of the annoyance of figuring out how to turn on the shower, standing under the water.

The almond soap was strong, and he rubbed it across himself, sudsing it up.

The smell of it was enough to kick him in the face, but it was nice.

It was good, to take a good old post-fucking shower.

He kind of wished that he'd invited Leon into the shower, or maybe that Leon would have invited him in.

He liked to shower with other people.

What would it be like, to shower with another dude?

He turned his face up, towards the water, as it began to drum down across his face.

He was so tired. 

Pleasantly tired, but still tired. 

He wanted to sleep.

Huh.

He didn't even want any weed - maybe he was still riding the high of all that fucking.

God, he needed this.

Alex scrubbed himself pink, and then came back to the bedroom, also wrapped in a towel.

"You wanna borrow a pair of pajama pants? At least, until you go home. I figure you don't wanna put the clothes you were wearing before back on."

"Sure," said Alex. "You want to go to sleep?"

"I mean," said Leon, "I put all that effort into making the chocolate mousse, so I thought that maybe we could eat it, maybe cuddle up on the couch a bit?"

"That could be nice," said Alex. 

Was Ryland missing him?

... probably not.

What did Ryland need him for, apart from someone to vent to.

Although wow, Alex was being mean.

He needed to not be quite so mean.

He smiled at Leon, as Leon handed him a pair of pajama pants printed with little unicorns. 

"So many unicorns," said Alex.

Leon blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, shifting from foot to foot. 

"Sorry," he said. 

"Why?"

Huh.

This was the first time that Leon had seemed to be embarrassed about... well, anything, other than his own awkwardness.

"Because... I know liking unicorns is, like... weird."

Alex shrugged. 

"I'm okay with weird," he told Leon, as he pulled the pajama pants up.

They rode up, just covering his shins. 

"Yeah?"

"I mean," said Alex, "I deal with some strange fucking people in my day to day life."

"Do you?"

" _Oh yeah,_ " said Alex. 

"Like who?"

Leon was looking interested, even as he brushed his own hair carefully. 

"Well," said Alex, "I'm on an esports team."

"So?"

"So all esports people are kind of crazy," said Alex.

"What, really?"

"Definitely," said Alex, with feeling. 

"I wonder why," said Leon, his expression thoughtful. 

"Well," said Alex, in a rare moment of clarity, "people who are more normal tend to have more normal jobs."

"You think?"

"What kinda job do you have?"

"I work with flowers," said Leon. "Y'know, I think this is the first time you've seriously asked me a question about myself."

"I've asked you questions about yourself," Alex said, faintly insulted.

"Well, okay, asked me a question about myself that didn't have anything to do with you," said Leon.

"... sorry," said Alex, as his stomach plunged down.

He wasn't sure why.

"You don't mean to come off as such a self obsessed dude," said Leon, in a way that he probably meant to come off as nice.

"Right," Alex said, his stomach twisting. "I mean, I talk about other people, but you get squirrely whenever I talk about Ryland."

"Yeah," said Leon. "Because you said his name while we were having sex." 

"I can't really argue with that, can I?"

"Nope."

"Right," said Alex. "... I lost my train of thought."

"You were talking about esports people."

"Oh. Right. Okay. So, like... normal people, they do normal people jobs. They go to offices or they make food or they do retail or cubicle farms or... whatever."

Leon looked unimpressed.

"But weird people tend to be more drawn to the... weirder shit. Like esports."

Leon continued to look unimpressed.

"I don't know," Alex said, and he shrugged. "I've just... I've seen some shit."

"I guess so," said Leon. "It couldn't have been that bad."

"It's not... _bad_ ," said Alex, "but it can be weird."

"Right," said Leon.

"Do you like your job?"

"I like working with plants, yeah," said Leon, and he grinned. "You look surprised." 

"I dunno," said Alex. "I guess I was expecting you to do something else."

"What, something gayer?"

Leon raised an eyebrow.

Alex had the good grace to blush.

"I dunno," said Leon. "Flowers are pretty fuckin' gay."

"I guess you'd know better than I would," Alex said, and almost immediately regretted it, because... well, that wasn't a thing you expected.

Leon snorted.

"You have not even scratched the _surface_ of how gay I can be," he informed Alex.

"... okay," said Alex, because he didn't exactly... get it. 

Leon patted Alex on the arm. 

"Come get some chocolate mousse," he told Alex. 

Alex followed after Leon, down the carpeted stairs.

It wasn't until they were sitting together that Alex managed to work out... whatever it was that was rattling around the inside of his head.

"Can I ask a weird question?"

"Yeah?"

"Does it... does it ever bother you when people think you're straight?"

"Oh yeah," said Leon, as he dipped his spoon into the chocolate mousse, closing his eyes to savor the taste.

It was sweet and rich, enough to make Alex's toes curl.

God, that was good. 

"Why?"

"I don't like being seen as something I'm not," said Leon. "But at the same time, most people assume that other people are straight unless otherwise thought of. Does it bother you when people think you're gay?"

"People don't think I'm gay," said Alex. "Do they?"

Leon shrugged, eating another bite of chocolate mousse. 

"I don't see you around other people," said Alex. "None of our social circles overlap."

"They really don't," said Alex, his expression thoughtful. "I wonder why."

"Because I don't like being around gamer types if I can help it, and I doubt you want to go to queer bars," said Leon. 

... wow, he was being candid.

"I could rock the fuck out of a queer bar," Alex said defensively. 

"You think?"

" _Totally_."

"We should go to one some time," said Leon. 

"If you like queer bars, why were you at the local?"

"Just because I like going to queer bars doesn't mean I can't like other bars," said Leon. 

"Why queer bars versus gay bars?"

Leon shrugged. 

"Those are the type around here."

"Oh," said Alex. "I guess that makes sense."

"I do that sometimes," Leon said, his face deadpan, his voice slightly less so.

Alex snorted, and he leaned back into his seat, then took a bite of his chocolate mousse. 

"You're, uh... you can always come hang out with my buddies, if you'd like."

"Yeah? Aren't you worried that people will think that you're gay?"

Alex shrugged.

"I don't think they'd mind," he said. 

"That they'd think you were gay?"

... wow, Leon was kinda aiming for the vital organs, wasn't he? 

"No, that... if you hung out with us."

"Isn't that nice of them," said Leon.

Alex bristled.

He couldn't help himself - he was beginning to feel sniped from all sides. 

"Do you think you're better than we are?"

"What?"

Leon looked up from his chocolate mousse.

"Every time I mention my friends, you get this... look on your face," said Alex. "This disgusted look."

"I don't think I'm better than you," said Leon. 

"So why the look?"

"I've just had... you know, unpleasant experiences, with that type of person."

"What type of person?"

Alex paused, looked at the chocolate mousse. 

"How about some bourbon?"

"You just jumped wildly between topics," Leon said, looking slightly confused.

"Yep," said Alex. "So bourbon?"

"... sure," said Leon, although he looked doubtful. 

"So what did you mean by "that type of person," exactly?"

"Just... you know. Straight people. Especially... gaming straight people."

Alex shrugged.

"Ryland is good people," said Alex.

Leon brought the bottle of bourbon over, set it on the table, and then he got the bottle of lemonade.

Alex poured himself a shot of bourbon, and drank it. 

Oh, there was that pleasant fuzziness. 

Maybe that was why he was so grumpy - he was sober.

He hadn't gotten high all day, either. 

He tried to will his shoulders down, as Leon got the lemonade out, mixed him a drink.

“Hey, Alex?”

“Mm?”

“Do you ever think that maybe you drink too much?”

Leon was clearly… feeling something.

That wasn’t something that Alex needed to worry about right now.

He took another shot. 

“Possibly,” said Alex, “but I’ll be fine.”

“Are you _sure_ about that?”

“I’m pretty fuckin’ sure,” Alex said. 

“Why’d you blow me, that one night?”

Leon poure Alex a glass full of lemonade, giving him a pointed look.

Alex looked at the glass, took a big slug of it, then another, then added the bourbon.

He could hear Leon sigh. 

“I worry about you,” he told Alex. 

“I do appreciate it,” said Alex. “You wanna enjoy the rest of our date?”

There were things left unsaid, hovering between the two of them, but… no, they were going to be nice.

This was going to be nice.

Alex had enough conflict in his day to day life, dealing with Ryland.

Leon was a nice respite from that. 

“Yeah,” said Leon. “Although if you keep drinking like that, I don’t know if you’ll be up for round two.”

“Totally will be,” Alex assured Leon, drinking his drink. “I promise. My dick hasn’t failed me yet.” 

Leon raised an eyebrow, but looked amused in spite of himself.

“Is that so?”

“Totally is.”

“I’d think your dick had led you astray a few times,” said Leon.

“I mean, fair,” said Alex, and he was snickering in spite of himself. “But whose hasn’t?”

“... well, okay, I’ve done some dumb shit because of my dick,” said Leon. “I can’t really deny that.”

“Anyone with a dick has done something stupid because of it,” said Alex. 

Leon snorted. 

“You wanna go watch a movie?”

“That sounds good,” said Alex, and he made a big show of glancing at the clock. “Although, uh, I should get home soon.”

“You can stay the night, if you want,” said Leon. 

He was blushing.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” said Leon. “I can even, uh, wash your stuff, since i need to do a load of laundry anyway.”

Alex, who didn’t do his laundry nearly often enough, nodded. 

“Sounds good,” he told Leon. “Thanks.”

“I mean,” said Leon, “with the amount of booze you’ve been drinking, I’d probably have to put you in the cab myself, and I’m tired, and don’t feel like putting on real pants.”

Alex snorted. 

“You don’t count those as real pants?”

He indicated Leon’s pajama pants.

“Not really, no,” said Leon. “So. Shall we?”

“Let’s.”

* * *

Alex cuddled Leon on the couch - a full body cuddle, with Leon’s hair in his nose again, and now he could pick up that scent - it was fertilizer. 

Not a strong scent - Leon obviously washed his hair often - but some scents just… clung.

Alex had worked at a coffee shop. 

He knew how it could go. 

He kept his arm around Leon, and he kept his eyes at half mast, as his chest rose and fell, Len’s weight grounding him.

Alex’s clothes were in the washing machine, and it was humming quietly in the background.

It was a comforting sort of sound.

Leon had put on a nature documentary too, and it was about caribou; their lives, their deaths, as they mated, had babies, migrated, drank water….

Caribou were a complicated bunch of animals. 

Alex wouldn’t want to be one.

Or maybe he would - as long as he was kept away from the wolves, he’d be safe.

“It’d be nice to be a caribou,” Alex said, his voice quiet.

“You think?”

“Oh yeah,” said Alex. “It looks like it’d be uncomplicated.”

“I dunno,” said Leon, his voice quiet. “I’m sure that there are complicated intra-community issues, with the caribou.”

“You think?”

“Totally,” said Leon. 

Alex made a contented noise, and pulled Leon closer, his eyes sliding shut, the narrator’s relaxing voice filling his head up.

* * *

Alex woke up to the sun in his face, and his head hurting.

Leon was moving around the kitchen, and Alex blinked at him, trying to get his head to work.

“What’s up?”

“You slept in,” said Leon.

He was wearing a pair of ugly jeans, and his curly hair was tied back. 

“I’m sorry,” said Alex, blinking. 

“Nah,” said Leon. “It’s fine. You looked like you needed it.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, and he rubbed his eyes. “Shit, Ryland must be worried about me.”

Leon nodded.

“Your stuff is in the bedroom. You can go get dressed.”

“Right,” said Alex.

It was an awkward sort of morning after, and he was grateful to find his phone not completely dead, with no messages from Ryland. 

Huh.

He got dressed, and then he was meeting Leon in the kitchen.

“I should, uh, get going,” said Alex.

“You want me to drop you off?”

Leon was all business in the morning, it seemed.

That seemed like a handy sort of skill to have.

“Sure,” said Alex. “Let me just…”

And then he was standing on tiptoe, and he was kissing Alex on the mouth.

Then he pulled back, wrinkling his nose.

“Your breath is horrible,” he told Alex.

Alex snorted.

“Sorry about that,” said Alex. 

“So I can drive you back to the grocery store, since it’s on the way to my work,” said Leon, “and then you can walk from there?”

“Sounds like a good plan!”

“Awesome.”

* * *

Alex was almost loath to leave the car.

He... he liked how uncomplicated being with Leon was, apart from all the unspoken things.

But there were hardly any unspoken things, between him and Leon, versus... well, all of the things between him and Ryland. 

He sighed, as he made his way home, and then he was making his way back in, to find... everything the way he'd left it, down to Ryland's closed bedroom door.

Huh.

Well.

Alex, lacking anything else to do, stripped down to a t-shirt and his underwear, and grabbed his bong.

Why not, right?

His clothes smelled different - nice. 

Soft. 

They smelled like Leon's laundry detergent, which had a nice, soapy smell.

... well, obviously it had a soapy smell. 

It was laundry detergent. 

Maybe he was overthinking this.

He took a hit from his bong, and he sighed, letting the lazy comfort of the high wind its way through his nerves like so much ivy, clinging and twisting around everything it touched.

He was so tired. 

He was... he was sore, in a good way, the way you sometimes with the really good sex.

The thick muscles in the backs of his thighs ached pleasantly, and his inner thighs were sore as well. 

He pulled the couch bed out, and he sprawled out on it, content to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling a bit - it was nice to just... be high. 

He _had_ to get Leon to try this with him some time.

Stoned blowjobs were one of the best things, possibly ever.

Maybe he would even give a blowjob while stoned.

What would that be like?

He tried to remember what it was like, to suck cock.

The heft and weight of it on his tongue was interesting, and he liked the heat of it. 

The had always been the thing he'd loved about oral sex - the sheer blast of heat, right in his face, like opening an oven that had been preheated. 

He liked knowing someone else was alive like that, with a beating heart and circulating blood.

Alex sighed again, and then he frowned.

Leon had said there would be a round two.

Maybe he'd have to ask him about it, later.

* * *

Ryland came into the living room at... some point. 

Alex was high enough that he honestly wasn't paying much attention.

"You get in okay?"

He was looking down at Alex, his expression worried.

"Yeah," said Alex, and he gave Ryland a slow thumbs up, then burst into giggles - the sight of his giant thumb practically dwarfing Ryland's head was more than enough to get him going.

Ryland rolled his eyes, and his expression was something close to fond.

"Take care of yourself, dude," said Ryland. "I don't like worrying about you."

"Sorry," said Alex. 

He meant it, too. 

it was nice, to have Ryland express so much active interest in his feelings. 

"It's okay," Ryland said, and he patted the top of Alex's head.

Alex sighed, relaxing into the touch.

"So was she hot?"

"Hm?"

"The girl you were staying with last night," said Ryland. 

"What?"

Alex was blushing.

"I could tell that you were with some girl. you always get all space cadet when you've just been laid."

"I wasn't... it wasn't like that," said Alex. 

"Well... whatever it was," Ryland said, going to sit on the chair next to the couch, "I'm kinda glad you were there."

"Yeah?"

Alex's heart was beating very fast in his ears. 

"Yeah. I realized that I was an utter douche to Ash, so I'm trying to figure out how to make it up to her."

"Right," said Alex. 

"She's... she's just so great, you know?"

"Right," Alex said again, and then he was sitting up again, grabbing for the bong and taking another hit, lazily exhaling the smoke from his nose.

God, he needed that.

So badly. 

"I'm glad she makes you happy," Alex said. 

"Yeah," said Ryland, his tone downright _dreamy_. "She's just so... y'know?"

"Right," said Alex. 

God, please let Ryland not start rhapsodizing about Ash. 

"We should do something nice for her," said Ryland.

"We should?"

Why was Alex included in this?

... did Ryland ever think of him like that?

Would Ryland _ever_ think of him like that?

It was... it was a bit of a stark contrast, realizing just how much Ryland felt more like he was putting up with Alex, versus actually... well, liking Alex. 

Huh.

Maybe Leon really was something.

Some small bit of Alex's heat was breaking - breaking like a plate in a movie, falling down in slow motion, all of the little pieces going in different directions, perforating his internal organs, and he was... he was paying attention to his own breathing, to the up and down of his chest, to the rise and fall of his chest.

He tuned out the sound of Ryland talking - intentionally, this time, instead of out of some instinct - and then he was sleeping again, tired, his head hurting just a bit.

Ryland probably didn't notice. 

Why would he, when he had a captive audience?

... Alex was being unfair.

Even when his stupid heart was breaking like this, he was still having some kind of feeling, right here and now, and he didn't know how to turn it off.

He rolled onto his stomach, and he pulled a pillow over his head with the exaggerated slowness that comes with too much weed.

Ryland was trailing off, and Alex was grinning, just a bit.

Why was he turning into such a jerk?

God, maybe having all the gay sex was making him a jerk.

... nah.

Leon wasn't a jerk about it.

"Hey, if you have sex with a guy and you're a guy, does it count as gay sex, or is it something else?"

"Dude, I can't hear a fuckin' thing you say with that pillow over your head," said Ryland, from some distance away.

"I said," Alex said, pushing the pillow off of his head, "does it count as gay sex if you're a dude who has sex with a dude?"

"I think so," said Ryland. "Since it's a dick going into a butt. A dude butt, obviously. It's not gay sex if it's a dick going into a lady butt." 

“Right,” said Alex, “but does that make it gay? Or just, like… queer?”

“What’s the difference?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Oh. Uh… then I don’t know.”

Alex rolled onto his back - still at a snail’s pace, thanks to the weed - and he looked at Ryland - really looked at him.

Alex examined the contours of Ryland’s face - the delicate shadow of his eyelashes, the elegant line of his jaw, covered by his beard.

He sighed, and he closed his eyes again.

He didn’t need this right now.

* * *

Alex knew that weed hangovers weren’t a thing that existed - he’d never gotten one.

Admittedly, that might have been because he kept himself in a state of perpetual high, but still. 

Principle of the thing and whatnot. 

He woke up with a headache, rubbing his eyes, trying to get his thoughts in order.

"That chick must've really worn you out last night," Ryland said. 

He was playing Killcore.

Of course he was.

Alex should have been cheering him on, but fuck it.

Alex seemed to have woken up with zero fucks to give.

"I had a good time last night," Alex agreed.

"So I was thinking," Ryland said, "there was, uh... there was this thing Ash was talking about last night, about how she'd love me to bring her flowers, but she didn't like the idea of dead ones, like those grocery store bouquets. But maybe we could, like, go to a greenhouse or a nursery or something."

_Who is this "we"?_

Alex didn't say it.

He wanted to, but he didn't.

"That could be a plan," Alex said. "I mean... sure."

"Awesome," said Ryland, and then he was just... standing up, just like that. "Let's go!"

"Can I get some time to, like, wake up?"

"I'll drive," said Ryland. 

"Let me eat something," Alex said. "Why aren't we doing practice today?"

"Everyone's busy," Ryland said in a dismissive tone of voice.

"Oh," said Alex. 

"So it'll be you and me."

Ryland was clearly trying to make Alex smile.

Alex smiled back, and his stomach did a weird little flutter.

Oh god. 

He was still in love with Ryland.

He didn't need this.

He did need pants, though - he pulled those on, buckling his belt up as well. 

On impulse, he grabbed his phone, checked his messages.

Leon had sent him a dumb selfie, tongue out.

Alex grinned a bit in spite of himself, because... well, it was a silly picture. 

God, how was he being pushed in two different places at once?

"What's up, dude?"

"Nothing," Alex said, shoving his phone into his pocket. "So where are we going?"

"I figure we could try going to a nursery," said Ryland, and he was keying in something to his phone. "You ready to go do some plant shit?"

"Sure," said Alex.

He was still carrying around some residual high, and everything felt slightly fuzzed out around the edges.

It was nice, truth be told.

He let Ryland talk at him.

What else was new, right?

He wasn't sure which were more annoying - Ryland's sullen silences, or Ryland's chattering about Ash. 

He wanted to ask why Ryland found Ash so fascinating, but... no.

Alex could tell.

He could have told if he was locked in a barrel a million miles underground, while blind, deaf, and dumb.

... wow, this was frustrating. 

He sighed, and he covered his face with both hands.

"You okay, dude?"

"Yeah," said Alex. "Headache."

"How much did you drink last night, anyway?"

"Not much," Alex said. 

... which was more or less true. 

It was less than usual, so it totally counted as "not much," right?

That was how it could go.

Not necessarily how it had to be, but how it could go. 

... wow, he was stoned, if he was thinking in circles like this.

And then they were pulling up to a great greenhouse, and Ryland was parking, as the two of them walked out.

"So what are you looking for?"

"I don't fucking know," said Ryland. "I don't know what kind of flowers Ash likes."

"You could ask her," Alex suggested. 

"But that would ruin the surprise," said Ryland.

"Right," said Alex. 

"Hey, excuse me?"

There was someone with curly hair carrying a big bag of fertilizer walking by. 

They turned around, and Alex nearly had a heart attack.

That was Leon.

Leon met his eyes, and his own mouth fell open.

"Hi," said Ryland, "I'm looking for a gift for my, uh... for my friend. My good friend. My lady friend."

"Gimme one sec," said Leon, and he was going off and dropping the bag in a pile. 

He came back, and he was brushing his hands off - he was wearing an apron, his hair tied back in a bandanna.

He was even wearing thick gloves. 

Alex's heart was beating very fast.

"Right," said Leon. "Hi."

"Fuck," said Ryland, and his eyes were darting from Alex's face to Leon's. "Sorry, just... wow. you guys look a lot alike."

Alex rubbed the back of his neck, and he laughed, a little nervous.

"That's what I said, the first time I saw him," said Alex. "Not like that, I mean, obviously, but... yeah."

"I guess there's a whole tribe of you guys out there somewhere," said Ryland, and he laughed. "So you guys know each other?"

"We met at the bar a few nights ago," said Alex. "He was the friend who made me dinner last night."

"Oh," said Ryland, comprehension dawning. "I guess you weren't getting laid after all, huh?"

Leon was pressing his lips together, and Alex was blushing.

"Shit, sorry," Ryland said, and he laughed, that laugh of his that always made him seem that much more charming. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm just, uh... I'm looking for flowers. Of some kind."

"Do you want to look around, and then I can help you pick out something from your choices?"

Leon's voice was nice - professional. 

It was a pretty good customer service voice, if Alex did say so himself. 

"Sounds like a plan," said Ryland. 

"I'll be there in a sec," said Alex. 

"Right," said Ryland, and then he was going into the greenhouse, walking up and down aisles.

"Is that Ryland?"

Leon's voice was quiet.

"Yeah," Alex said, and he cleared his throat.

"Well," said Leon, and he laughed, self deprecating, "at least I can be glad that you're not with me because I look like him."

"I'm... I like being with you because I like you," Alex said, and he impulsively reached out, taking Leon's hand.

Leon looked surprised. 

"Do you want to go on another date?"

That was... impulsive. 

Um.

Not that Alex was the picture of stability, and okay, he was still a little high, but... still. 

"We keep going on dates, I may start to think we're some kind of steady thing," Leon said. 

His voice was overly casual. 

"Maybe... I might be interested in that," said Alex. 

"Would you?"

"... maybe," said Alex. 

"Maybe isn't a thing I'm going to compromise with," Leon said, and he shook his hand off, and went to help Ryland.

Alex bit his lip, watching Leon walk off.

And then he shoved his hands in his pockets, and he followed after him.

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic?
> 
> Want me to write you something like it, or something completely different?
> 
> Come talk to me on my tumblr, theseusinthemaze.tumblr.com!


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